


I don't intend to lose, my love

by immortalvessel



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bittersweet Ending, Catharsis, Character Complexity, Character Study, Depression, Emotional Confrontation, Emotional build, Extreme angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Illness, Infiltration, Injury, Lesbians, Love/Hate, Lovers To Enemies, Mental Instability, Morally Grey Character, Near Death Experience, Nightmares, Nihilism, Non-Graphic Violence, Pain, Panic Attack, Past Relationship(s), Physical Confrontation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Tension, Shrapnel Wound, Spiraling Sanity, Trauma, stealth - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23744899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/immortalvessel/pseuds/immortalvessel
Summary: Adora pulled one of Entrapta’s bots out of her bag and felt a pang of guilt as she rigged the stolen bot to self-destruct. She felt bad for deceiving the other princesses, but they would understand eventually why she had to do this.She should have known it would all go wrong. It could have been the dark supply tent, or her steadily rising fever, or the adrenaline of a stealth mission. Either way, as Adora went to rig the third bot, her finger missed the “Remote control detonation” option and accidentally pressed “Immediate detonation.” All she remembers is her heart rate skyrocketing and the overwhelming urge to move before her world erupted into flames.When Adora finally regained consciousness, she was so sore that she almost forgot the reason why she had come there in the first place. That is, until she heard a familiar voice rise above the ringing in her ears.“You sure do like to make an entrance, don’t you, Adora?”
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 164





	I don't intend to lose, my love

Adora’s body was on fire. She felt it hot on her breath, burning in her cheeks, and settling like magma in her core.

It was hot but it was also cold. Her fingers and toes felt numb. There was a chill that ran up and down her body, and she couldn’t keep up. She couldn’t keep up with the pain that pounded in her head, flared in her chest, and slithered down her legs. She shivered, overwhelmed by the leaden ice in her muscles, and the clammy heat that drenched her body in sweat. 

“You wouldn’t.” She breathed more than spoke. Her throat, too, was on fire. “You wouldn’t. You would _never._ My love, _please_.” 

Adora gasped. Her eyes felt wet. How could she? After everything they had been through? Together. They had always been together. 

_You were the one that left ME._

“No. No no no.” It had been Catra's choice. She could have followed. Adora had _begged_ her to follow. 

_Too little too late._

“Why? Why won’t you listen to me! Why do you never _listen-_ -” Adora’s voice was swallowed by a sob.

_You could have done more._

_It’s your fault. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT._

_I HATE YOU._

_EVERYONE HATES YOU._

_YOU DESERVE TO DIE._

_-DORA. ADOR. ORA._

_ADORA_

“--dora? Adora? Adora?”

Adora curled in on herself. It was her fault, wasn’t it? Catra was right. It was her fault. It was all her fault. It was all her fault. It was all her fault. It was all her fault. It was all her fault. It was--

“Adora, come on. Wake--”

It was all her fault. It was all her fault.

“Adora? Adora!”

_Hey, Adora._

“STOP IT! JUST STOP IT!” She screamed. “LEAVE ME ALONE!”

“Adora, it's ok. You're ok.”

No she’s not ok. How could it be ok? She was-- And there were-- The voice--

Where was she? What was happening? Why couldn’t she remember?

“Adora?” That voice was so familiar. She knew them. She saw a smug smile. Narrowed eyes. A throaty laugh. Sharp claws that stung. That ripped. That destroyed. They would destroy her. They were going to destroy her. Piece by piece. 

She had to fight. She would have to fight her again. If that’s what it takes. 

“Adora!” 

She had to get up and fight. But she was so tired. Not today. Not again. 

“Please… I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.”

Maybe she could. She had gotten so used to fighting. It was an endless cycle. Maybe she could do it again. One more time. Just one more time. 

Her eyes blinked open, then squinted shut again. There was so much light. Thankfully, there was a dark shape blocking some of the light. The shape looked like… a person. They were in her room. Why were they in her room?

Her breath came in pants, and terror seized her chest. “Cat--” The face came into focus. Pink hair swept out of her face. Dark skin. Kind, brown eyes, usually paired with a soft smile. The frown she was currently wearing looked out of place. 

“Oh... Glimmer?”

“Jesus, Adora.” Glimmer visibly relaxed. She was perched at the foot of the bed, one of her hands resting protectively on Adora’s leg. “I was trying to wake you up, but you were sleeping like the dead.”

“Oh. heh. Sorry. I must have been really--” She tried to speak but the words were swallowed by a lick of fire in her throat. She coughed, and tried to put on the most convincing smile she could. “Mhmm, sorry yeah was’just really tired.”

Glimmer’s brow furrowed. “Right. It’s just… you were talking in your sleep.”

Oh. 

“Are you alright, Adora?” 

She couldn’t remember what she had been dreaming about -- it was all quickly slipping away as wakefulness took hold of her mind. It didn’t matter though. She knew _who_ she had been dreaming about.

“It was just a bad dream, Glimmer.”

Glimmer was still frowning as she looked Adora up and down. “You know you look really pale.”

“I’m _fine,_ Mom.” She lightly kicked Glimmer’s leg. “Really. I’m just a little out of it this morning is all.”

Glimmer hummed, her hand moving from her leg to absently stroking the puffy pink comforter. “Cause you know... You don’t _have_ to attend the war council this morning.”

Adora stiffened. “Glimmer--”

“I know, I know. You’re fine. You can handle it. I get it. But you know...” She met Adora’s eyes, gaze soft but stern -- so very Glimmer. “The world won’t end if you take a day off.”

Adora remembered a time when Glimmer wouldn’t have questioned her like this. When they were younger, Glimmer would have reveled in her persistence, just as eager as Adora to take on the world, to go on another adventure. As stressful and difficult as that time had been, Adora had taken so much pride in their team. Each new mission was received with confidence. Each victory was a beacon of hope. Each failure was a vow to do better the next time. Adora couldn’t remember when her sense of adventure had turned to despondency. Or when the task of protecting the kingdom she loved had become a burden: a weight that dragged her down a little more with each passing day.

She couldn’t remember when her friends had stopped believing in her.

“I’m not taking a day off, Glimmer.” Glimmer just didn’t understand. She had a duty. Catra was her responsibility. She couldn’t take a day off, not when other people were suffering because of _her_. Catra was chaotic, unpredictable. She would lash out at anyone, but Adora knew who Catra really wanted to fight -- who Catra was really angry with. 

“Bow and I are worried about you, Adora! We’re your friends. Just because you don’t need to lean on us, doesn’t make you weak if you do.” Glimmer placed her hand on Adora’s. “Just, hear me out.”

Adora tore her hand away. “I have to get dressed.”

“Adora--”

“I’ll meet you in the council room.”

Glimmer sighed, but seemed more resigned than angry when she padded out of the room. Just before her steps faded into the hallway, Adora heard Glimmer pause. “She isn’t worth this, Adora.”

The door clicked softly shut behind her.

***

Adora clutched the cup of tea in her hands, savoring the warmth, the fragrant smell of spice. Despite her and Glimmer’s curt departure, Adora had stumbled into the kitchen a while later to find a steaming cup of tea waiting for her. It had been made with a large splash of milk and a drip of honey -- just the way she liked it. She was still mad at Glimmer, but the tea felt so good on her throat that she swallowed her pride and took it with her to the council room. 

Glimmer was already there, seated next to Queen Angella and Bow. They were engrossed in some conversation about trade routes but paused upon seeing Adora.

Queen Angella nodded in greeting and Bow offered a wan smile, both more muted than normal. Ah, so Glimmer had already spoken to them. 

Adora bowed for Queen Angella, gave Bow a small wave, and took her usual place next to Glimmer -- not quite petty enough to sit somewhere else. 

The rest of the princesses arrived shortly after. She vaguely remembered speaking to them, but Adora could hardly comprehend what they said, too focused on the pounding of her head and the heaviness of her eyes.

It was only when Perfuma’s voice rang above the din of her head that Adora realized that the small talk had ended and the meeting had begun. 

“Thank you for your help everyone. As much as I love my home in Plumeria, I know that evacuating is the safest option.”

“What?!” Adora hadn't meant to shout. Everyone in the room looked at her, eyes wide. 

Glimmer sighed, exasperation thinly veiled as she spoke. “Adora, we’ve been discussing evacuation plans for the past 15 minutes, but is there something you would like to add?”

“Is there something I would like to add?” Adora pretended to contemplate for a moment. “Yeah, I think so. How about _why the hell_ are we evacuating Plumeria?” 

“Adora,” Perfuma said, slowly, like Adora might explode at any second. “We were just saying the Horde forces overtook our Southern borders last week. We’ve fallen back, and are holding them off for now, but evacuation is probably our safest option.”

“So you’re just gonna give up?” Adora shot back. “You’re just gonna let her win?” Adora blinked. "I mean -- You're just gonna let the Horde win?"

The flowers in Perfuma’s hair wilted. “Adora, it’s not like we want to leave our home.”

“Then _don’t._ ”

“Alright Shera, why don’t we back up a little,” Mermista said, gesturing to Perfuma’s head. “You’re making Perfuma’s flower crown look sad.” Perfuma blinked, and reached up to touch her head. She cooed under her breath, and the flowers perked up a bit.

“Sorry Perfuma. It’s just the Horde has already covered so much ground. We don’t have to give up Plumeria.” Adora stood up, and braced her hands on the table. “We can fight.”

“Adora.” Adora could audibly hear Glimmer’s patience snap. “I get that you have good intentions, but if you had been listening to us for 2 seconds, you might have heard that Plumeria’s forces are severely outnumbered. Even with reinforcements, trying to hold that sector is a fool’s errand.”

Adora turned to face Glimmer, but startled when she saw the girl was now standing mere inches away from her. Even with Adora’s height advantage, the other girl still managed to look intimidating. Glimmer held herself like a queen.

“Glimmer, it’s a risk we need to take. What about our food supplies? Their crops get exported to all of our kingdoms."

“You think I don’t know that? We can ration, and Frosta has already agreed to start sending out more of their marine livestock to compensate for the loss.” Frosta grunted in confirmation.

Glimmer’s tone softened. “It’s ok, Adora. We’ll work this out. We always do.”

Adora held eye contact with Glimmer for several long moments. She saw concern, kindness and what looked like... Pity. 

Adora scoffed and shook her head. “No. No, we can’t let them take any more than they already have. Queen Angella,” Adora said, turning to face the head of the table. 

“Let me lead a team of reinforcements. We’ve already shown that we can win against larger forces. And we’ll have Shera. That has to count for something.”

“Mom, you can’t seriously be considering this. Adora is not herself right now.”

“Screw you.”

“Adora,” Queen Angella warned, speaking for the first time since the conversation began. “Glimmer is right. You’re not acting like yourself.”

“I’m FINE!” Adora shouted, stunning the room into silence. Adora immediately winced at Queen Angella’s stern expression, and bowed her head. “I apologize. That was out of line.”

Adora sank into her chair. She let her heartbeat slow down to a more normal rhythm before turning back to Queen Angella. “Even if I’m not myself, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Please, give me a chance. I can save them.”

_For the last time, I don’t need you to save me, Adora._

“Adora, Plumeria doesn’t need a hero. They need to retreat,” Glimmer said. 

_You always need to play the hero, don’t you?_

“That’s what Shera is for, Glimmer! If I can’t use her to protect our kingdoms, what’s the point?”

_You never protected me._

_"_ Retreating does seem to be the most favorable option. Even with my bots, my calculations tell me that your odds of survival are extremely low, bordering on nonexistent.”

“Daaamn. Purple hair has a point, Shera.”

“Come on guys," Adora said. "It will be just like any other mission. I’ll be back before you know it.”

_I didn’t want you to come back, Adora._

“At least let us come with you! I can totally ice all the bad guys. Bam! Bam! Bam!”

_You could come with me, Catra. You could join the rebellion._

“Please listen to reason, Adora. This is a suicide mission!”

“We don’t have time for this, Glimmer. I have to leave as soon as possible.”

_I’m sorry for leaving, Catra. I never wanted to leave you._

_You leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me._

Queen Angella stood and all the voices immediately dissipated. “I’ve made my decision. Adora, you have two days to come up with a plan. We’ll reconvene then and put it to a vote.”

"Thank you, Queen Angella.” Adora bowed, not missing the way Glimmer shook her head.

Adora didn’t need her pity. She had Shera. Everything would work out. Everything would be fine.

“I don’t know, Adora," Perfuma said. "I don’t mind leaving Plumeria -- really. If you go on this mission, what if something bad happens?”

_Nothing really bad can happen to us as long as we have each other._

_You promise?_

“Nothing bad will happen,” Adora replied. 

_I promise._

***

Adora tried to push down the rising sense of guilt as she exited the castle. She had changed out of her normal pink jacket and white shirt in favor of something a little more stealthy: a black long sleeved shirt with matching dark gloves and floor length cloak. 

As Adora neared the stables, she startled when she caught a glimpse of her reflection in a palace window. Her new dark ensemble made her pale skin appear ghostly. The hood of her cloak cast a shadow over her eyes, so that all you could see of her face was her mouth, drawn in a grim line. You could see the bones protruding from her jaw and collarbone, making her appear much more gaunt than she remembered. When was the last time she had looked in a mirror? Adora was almost glad the rest of her body was hidden, swallowed by the swaths of dark material. 

Adora tore herself away from the sight, and started preparing a horse for her journey. She very specifically avoided Swift Wind. She had a feeling he wouldn’t like her plan. 

Her other friends would be furious too. Adora knew she should have waited for the vote before going off on her own, but she just couldn’t wait two days. Who knows what the Horde could do in two days -- what Catra could do. 

Even more than that, Adora had a feeling the vote wouldn’t have come out in her favor anyway. It’s not that she didn’t trust her friends to make the right decision. She did trust them, and she loved them like family. They loved her too, and that was exactly the problem. They weren’t going to let Adora go on a solo mission. They would want to come with her, and a stealth mission with that many people wasn’t likely to succeed.

This was the right thing to do. Adora had complete conviction in that. Even so, she couldn’t help but picture the look on Glimmer’s face when she found out that Adora had gone off to Plumeria on her own.

Adora pushed the thought from her mind as she arrived at the first outcropping of trees: The border of Plumeria. 

Adora probably should have paid more attention during the war council. She had no idea how much of Plumeria was overrun by the Horde. It didn’t matter really. She would just have to be at the top of her game for the entire rest of the way. There was no way Catra was going to get the jump on her. Not this time.

Adora walked slowly to the entrance of the forest. She didn’t like the way the shadows of the trees danced menacingly under the light of her lantern. It didn’t match her memory of the friendly looking wildlife that had blossomed and thrived under Perfuma’s care. In the dark, the branches looked like arms reaching out to grab her, and the leaves looked deceptively similar to claws.

Adora could feel her hands start to shake. She didn’t have to go any further. The people in the palace were probably still asleep, unaware that she had left. It wasn’t too late to turn around. She could just come back another time. In the daylight. With Bow and Glimmer. 

No. It was now or never. Before she could give in to the tempting voices, Adora snuffed out her light and pressed forward onto the narrow dirt pathway.

She had a hard time gauging how much time passed after that. In the darkness, she couldn’t distinguish any familiar landmarks. She had been to Plumeria a couple times before, but that was during the day. The last time she had come here to visit, she had been on her way to a festival with her friends. Her only memory of the journey there were the words “I’ll race ya, Bow!” and “You’re only racing him because you know you’ll win, coward!” She remembered running face first into a tree, the laughter that followed, and Glimmer’s face when she said, “I can’t wait until the others find out the Great Shera, savior of Etheria, can’t even dodge a tree.” 

Adora wasn’t sure if it was the distraction of the memory that made her clumsy or the darkness or the ceaseless pounding of her head. Nevertheless, her foot caught on something and then she was falling. 

She really didn’t land that hard, the soft dirt helping to cushion her fall. Her head still swam with dizziness anyway, and her stomach twisted with the sudden urge to vomit. 

Adora groaned as she sat up. It was more difficult than it should have been, mostly because it felt like the ground was spinning beneath her. When she finally managed to stand up, her small victory was immediately nulled by swarm of chills that made her shiver despite the heavy layers she was wearing. 

Those symptoms didn’t worry her too much. Adora was more than a little used to pushing aside her own discomfort for the sake of the mission. However, it was the flare of shooting pain through her ankle that concerned Adora the most. She had no idea how much further the Horde encampment was. She might still have miles to go before she reached it, and a lame ankle wasn’t going to cover that distance easily. 

“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck _fuck FUCK.”_ Adora sunk to her knees. She felt her breath hitch and her eyes start to burn. She hadn’t even made it to the Horde yet, and she was already failing. 

“You’re watching this aren’t you?” Adora called into the darkness. “You’re enjoying this. I know you are.” Adora laughed as the tears spilled down her cheeks. “Well, here I am! Come on, Catra! Come tear me down like you always do. Come on, I _know_ you’re there.”

Silence answered her and Adora laughed again. “Oh, _now_ you’re gonna back off. _Now_ you’re choosing not to fight me. How fucking merciful of you. Well, thank you very much. Thanks for destroying Perfuma’s home and for making it so _goddamn hard_ to save the world. I really appreciate it.”

Adora stood up, ignoring the pain in her ankle. She realized she couldn’t remember which way she had come from, so she started limping in an aimless direction. 

“You know I never asked to be Shera.” She called out again, panting with the effort of walking on an injured foot. “I never asked to be the savior of Etheria. I never asked to be kidnapped by the Horde as a baby. But I thought you would understand, Catra. I thought you, of all people, would understand what it’s like to be dealt a shitty hand in life. I just tried to do the right thing! That’s all I’ve ever tried to do.”

“But I fuck up. I fuck up all the time. I’m fucking up right now.” Her head swam again. Adora stumbled and fell against the nearest tree.

The ground was spinning again. Adora groaned, pressing her forehead against the tree. She was going to throw up. “I can’t--” She broke off, breathing labored. “I can’t do it. I can’t even do one tiny thing right. The people of Etheria don’t understand that I have no idea what I’m doing. Hilarious, isn’t it? They don’t realize their hero is actually just one big fuck up.”

She sunk to the ground. “You’ve always known though. You’ve always known who I am. Since day one. You know that I talk too fast when I’m excited, and you know that I’m stubborn and competitive and that I believe everything I’m told. Remember the time you managed convinced me that birds were actually flesh eating monsters with wings? For days after that, I had to hold your hand whenever we went outside.” Adora smiled. “You knew it was stupid but you still held my hand anyway.” 

Her smile fell. “You know who I am. You know that I would do anything for the people I love. You know that I love--” 

Adora slammed her fast into the ground. “Why did you have to make me choose, Catra? Why did it have to be you or Shera?"

Adora was once again met with silence. Even the crickets and frogs were mutinously quiet. She sighed, letting her head fall into her hands. 

“I’m sorry, ok? I’m sorry I didn’t bring you with me that night. I just know everything would have been different if you had seen what I had seen. If you had met Bow and Glimmer the way I had. But I didn’t know what was going to happen! I didn’t expect to completely change sides in the course of one day! And when I did, I just-- I just assumed you would come with me. I just assumed that no matter what happened, we would face it together. Like we always had.”

“That was stupid of me. I know that now.” Adora expected silence again, but this time there was a rustling in the bushes. “Oh _that_ you agree with? Stupid frogs.”

“Hey, did you hear something just now?”

Adora sat up ramrod straight at the sound of voices. 

“Shut up, Kyle. You’re probably just hearing things.” The voices sounded very close. Looking around, Adora could see two shadowy figures holding a light about 100 yards away. Adora cursed under her breath, and dropped to the ground so that she was lying flat on her stomach. 

“What was up with Catra today? She seemed more pissed than usual.”

“R-really? She seemed the same to me.” 

“That’s because she’s always pissed at you, Kyle.”

Adora breathed a sigh of relief as Lonnie and Kyle -- No, the Horde soldiers -- passed her hiding spot and continued on the path. 

Adora waited a couple moments before getting up and following them. She tried to hover far enough behind as to not let her footsteps be heard, but close enough to keep the light in sight. However, the adrenaline of seeing Lonnie and Kyle started to wear off and the pain in her ankle returned with full force. On her next step, she almost collapsed. Her ankle felt hot, and the sharp pain was now radiating up her leg. 

Adora braced her hand against the tree and used it to push off. She tried to limp to the next tree, but her ankle gave out and she ended up falling, her body slamming into the trunk. She looked around for Lonnie and Kyle, but their voices had faded completely. Even the light had disappeared. 

Adora took a deep breath, steeled herself, and pushed off the tree in the direction she had last seen the light. 

It was a grueling process and Adora wasn’t even sure she was going the right way. She couldn’t stop now though. She had come this far, and even if she was immediately captured at the Horde base, she was going to give it her all. 

Just when she felt like she couldn’t go any farther, Adora finally saw the light reappear in the distance. As Adora got closer, the light got brighter. A lot brighter. Eventually, she started to make out a clearing filled with tents and armored tanks. Adora bristled. The Horde had already cut down a whole grove of Perfuma’s beloved trees to set up their camp. 

Adora cautiously approached the edge of the camp. She could see a couple Horde soldiers on the perimeter standing watch, but Adora knew that most of the army would be asleep in the tents. She watched them make the normal rounds -- two soldiers stationed at each of the four corners of the base, and one soldier circling the entire perimeter. She remembered the routine well. She had never actually had to fight while she was in the Horde, but her team had practiced performing night watches. They hadn’t changed the protocol at all since she left. 

Adora felt hope flare in her chest. The camp was very well prepared for an attack by an army, but they weren’t at all equipped to prevent one person from sneaking in. 

Imagine all the damage one person could do in the quiet of the night?

With a plan already forming in her mind, Adora crept to one corner of the clearing. Sure enough, there were two soldiers stationed there. She waited until the soldier circling the perimeter was on the other side of the clearing before reaching down, grabbing a rock and throwing it as hard as she could away from the camp. 

The two soldiers looked at each other. One of them stayed put while the other one investigated the sound. She waited until the first soldier was far enough away before throwing another rock, much closer this time. The second soldier looked alarmed and immediately went to investigate.

As soon as the second soldier had their back to Adora, she limped towards the nearest supply tent. She knew there were unlikely to be guards stationed in the tent and sure enough, as she careened through the opening, she saw that she was alone inside.

Adora reached into the bag at her side, and pulled out one of Entrapta’s bots. She felt a pang of guilt as she rigged the stolen bot to self-destruct. She felt bad for deceiving the other princesses, but they would understand eventually why she had to do this. 

With her objective complete, Adora peered outside the tent. The two guards she had distracted were back, but as she expected, their backs were facing her. Their job was to make sure no one got inside. They didn’t expect there to already be an intruder inside the camp. This would be easier than she had expected.

Adora limped over to the next supply tent and easily set up another bot to self-destruct. She should have known it would all go wrong. It could have been the dark supply tent, or her steadily rising fever, or the adrenaline of a stealth mission. No matter the reason, as Adora went to rig the third bot, her finger missed the “Remote control detonation” option and accidentally pressed “Immediate detonation.” All she remembers is her heart rate skyrocketing and the overwhelming urge to _move_ before her world erupted into flames. Adora didn’t realize she was airborne but she must have been because then her back was colliding with something hard: something so hard that it punched all the air from her lungs. There was red, exploding pain. There was the thought that this must be what death feels like. Then, there was nothing. 

***

When Adora finally regained consciousness, she was so sore that she almost forgot where she was. That is, until she heard a familiar voice rise above the ringing in her ears. 

“You sure do like to make an entrance, don’t you, Adora?” 

Adora tried to gain her bearings. She was on the ground. Every part of her body hurt like hell. She was in immediate danger of being captured by the Horde. And Catra was there. 

It was the worst case scenario.

It was the worst case scenario and Adora didn’t care. She should have been terrified of what Catra was going to do to her. She should have been devastated that her mission had failed. She probably should have been a little concerned about whether or not she was injured from the explosion. She should have cared about a lot of things, but when Adora eventually blinked the blurriness from her eyes and saw the familiar figure perched on one of the nearby tanks, she just didn’t care. She didn’t care what Catra did to her. She didn’t care if she lost the war. She didn’t care if she lived or died. 

Adora couldn’t bring herself to care anymore, so instead of fighting her enemy, she just lifted a hand and waved. “Hey, Catra.” Her voice was hoarse, and almost as soon as she spoke, she started coughing. Her mouth tasted metallic. 

She could hear the humor in Catra’s voice. “Wow Adora, when I heard the ruckus in the supply area, I thought it might be your doing but this -- this is way better than I expected.” She laughed, the sound bubbling from her throat.

Adora saw Catra jump off the tank and saunter over to where she was still lying on the ground. Adora made no effort to get up. 

“I have to ask, was there some kind of plan here? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like you were trying to blow up our supply tents, and then accidentally blew yourself up instead.” Catra surveyed her limp form with amusement, then prodded her in the stomach with her foot. Adora moaned. “So this is the great power of the princesses? I’m positively trembling.” 

Adora felt herself being straddled. Suddenly, the dull pain in her abdomen escalated into white hot agony. Adora cried out and instinctively tried to push Catra off. 

“Oh please, Adora, please don’t hurt me!” Catra laughed. “You’re pathetic.” She felt two hands close around her wrists and pin her arms above her head. Adora tried to struggle out of her hold, but she immediately stopped when the movement sent waves of pain through her midsection. 

“If only Shadow Weaver could you see you now. Her favorite student, fumbling with the supply tents, then knocking herself unconscious. I don’t know what she ever saw in you. If she were here now she could finally see you for what you really are -- a weak, pathetic princess trying to play the hero and _failing_.” 

Catra leaned in close as she spoke, close enough for Adora to see the slight quirk of her lips. It was just a hint of a smile -- a cruel smile at that -- but it was the first time Adora had seen Catra smile in a long time. Adora stared, Catra’s words hardly registering. 

A sharp nail traced her cheekbone, leaving a stinging trail in its wake. “Wow, you’re really calm right now, Adora. What? Do you think your little princess friends are coming to save you?” 

Adora realized that one of her wrists was no longer being held down. In a burst of determination, Adora clawed at the ground, and threw a clump of dirt at Catra’s face. She wasn’t too surprised when Catra easily dodged the assault. 

“Really? Oh that’s hilarious. You thought I was going to fall for that?” Adora stiffened as cold metal was pressed against her throat.

“I’m going to ask you again. Where are your little princess friends?” 

Adora used all her energy to put on a straight face. “They’re coming. Any minute now they’re going to come and drive the Horde from Plumeria.”

Catra studied her for several long moments before her jaw dropped. “Oh my gosh, they’re not coming, are they? Did you really come here alone?” Adora averted her eyes. She had always been a bad liar, and Catra could read her better than most. 

Catra laughed. “Oh, this is hysterical. Thank you, Adora. Really. This brightened my whole evening.”

Suddenly the knife at her throat disappeared and the weight on her body increased dramatically. Catra was now lying down on her, tail flicking wildly in the air, expression bordering on ecstatic. Adora waited for her body to protest the weight, but the pain never came. Her abdomen was blissfully numb. 

“Ok wait let me guess,” Catra said, resting her chin in one hand, and lazily tracing the knife along Adora’s jaw with the other. “You got in a fight? With the glittery, squeaky one? You didn’t agree on something. Probably because you like to run into every situation head first because 'you’re Shera, you have a magic sword, the world worships the ground you walk on blah blah blah.' But Glitter didn’t approve.”

“Glimmer.”

Catra just rolled her eyes. “So you decided to go solo? Well, how’s that working out for you, Adora?”

Adora felt the knife start to trail down to her chest. It easily sliced through the fabric at the top of her shirt before trailing lower. When the knife passed her sternum, Adora was reaching to stop her. 

Catra snatched Adora’s hand out of the air before she could even touch the knife. Her claws dug into the skin of Adora’s wrists, causing her to flinch. 

“I used to admire you, you know?" Catra said. "Hell, I wanted to _be_ you. You were always just a little bit better than me at everything. It didn’t matter that I was leagues above everyone else. It didn’t matter that I could clear all the training levels before I turned 12. It didn’t matter that I could outmatch cadets years older than me. Oh no. Because I could never win against _you_.” Adora winced as Catra’s claws dug even deeper into her wrist. “And no one cares about second place.”

The knife was back at her throat, but with enough pressure that Adora could feel her blood pulse precariously against the steel. Adora tilted her head up to try and alleviate the pressure, but Catra’s hand fisted roughly in her hair, holding her in place. “Well I’m not chasing your heels anymore. Whose second place now, huh Adora?”

Adora should have been scared. Catra was going to kill her. In the past, their fights had always been the brutal, tooth-and-nail kind, and often ended with both of them falling unconscious or being too injured to continue. This time was different. Adora was the only one wounded, and Catra was in perfect fighting condition. This was a golden opportunity to eliminate Shera for good.

If these were going to be her last words, Adora sure as hell was going to get a few things off her chest. “I wish I had been in your shoes growing up, Catra,” Adora said, voice straining to speak past the pressure on her throat. 

The pressure increased a dangerous amount. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Adora stared up at Catra -- willing her to listen. “Maybe not. But I wish you could have seen what it was like to be just a little bit ahead of you all those years. You think winning is the key to happiness? You think that’s why I stayed with the Horde all those years?” Adora chuckled darkly. “You’re the one that doesn’t understand, Catra. You’ve won. You can kill me. Without Shera, Brightmoon’s forces will be at a disadvantage.”

Catra was just staring at her now. Adora wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad sign, but she plowed on anyway. “You can kill me. You can win the war. You can conquer this whole world, or whatever is left of it after the Horde is through-- but you’ll find that winning isn't everything. Just because I was number one in training doesn’t mean my life was perfect back then. Do you think I enjoyed watching my best friend be tortured by Shadow weaver all those years. Or that I enjoyed watching you come in second place?” Her voice dropped to a whisper, but she knew Catra could hear her. “You don’t think I regret what happened?”

_"Stop_ _it."_ Adora could feel a trickle of liquid slither down her neck.

She didn’t break Catra’s gaze. “I should have stood up for you against Shadow Weaver. I know that now. I craved her approval so much that I just turned a blind eye to how she treated you. That was wrong and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner."

Catra scoffed and shook her head. “ _Oh my god._ ” 

“And I’m sorry I left without telling you. I get that you’re mad at me. I deserve it. But I want you to know that the best parts of my life weren’t when I was crossing the finish line first. It was when I was sitting next to you on our railing, talking about our plans to take over the world. Or when I was watching you do a new flip you learned. Or sleeping next to you at night -- and hearing you snore because you always fell asleep before me.”

Catra stood up and backed away, shoulders hunching. 

Adora sat up, ignoring the spasms that tore through her abdomen. “Winning never mattered to me. Don’t you see, Catra?! The Horde wasn’t my home because I was always ahead of you. It was my home because I was with you! Because we were together.”

Catra’s shoulders started shaking, her breathing coming in stilted gasps. Adora tried to get up. She wanted to comfort Catra, to hug her, to hold her, to close the distance that had divided them for far too long. However, standing up was a feat that proved impossible: the spasms weren’t stopping and she couldn’t feel her arms anymore.

When Adora heard the sound of hysterical giggling -- not crying -- coming from Catra’s slumped form, she froze. 

“Well, isn’t that a sweet sob story?” Catra said when she had finally stopped laughing. Catra straightened, and Adora’s heart sunk. All semblance of reason had vanished from Catra’s expression, replaced with a wide grin and manic gleam in her eyes. 

“Wake up, Adora. Face it, you never cared about me. You just cared about yourself. You like to convince yourself that you care about me because that makes you the tragic heroine. Oh, isn’t just so sad? You care about me so much, but you have to fight me in order to do what’s right. Which is, what exactly? Dressing up in costumes? Having tea parties? I can see how that’s such a difficult choice to make.” Catra’s expression darkened. “Why choose your family when you can choose dress up and glitter.”

“How can you be so blind, Catra? Maybe when we were growing up, but now? You must know why I left. You must see what the Horde is -- what the Horde really is.”

Catra fiddled idly with her fingernail. “Uh, the winning side?”

Adora didn’t miss a beat. “A corrupt, power hungry monster that takes children and brainwashes them.”

Catra rolled her eyes. “Oh no, how horrible--” 

“--And forces them to fight in a senseless war, ignorant of who and why they’re fighting.” Adora pressed further. “Blind to what’s right and what’s wrong. Isolated from the rest of the world.”

“Oh Adora, please save me!” Catra cried, pressing the back of one hand to her forehead, and clutching her chest with the other. “I’m an ignorant child who has never lived in glittery castle! How can I ever go on living?” 

“I feel sorry for you, Catra. I really do. You’re a victim of their treachery.”

Catra dropped the pose and grimaced. “Oh, just stop.”

“It’s how I know I’m on the right side. What they did to you is inexcusable.”

“Shut up already!” In the blink of an eye, Catra was crouched on the ground, one fisted in Adora’s shirt. She lifted Adora to her knees as easily as she used to lift weights in the training room. “Don’t you see, Adora?! I’m not a prisoner of the Horde. _I AM the Horde._ I’m one of their Force Captains. I train those so called brainwashed children to be Horde soldiers. I lead their forces into battle. I destroy princess villages. I could destroy you right now if I wanted to.” By the end of her tirade, she had pulled Adora within an inch of her face. Adora could see the hatred creased into every feature with perfect clarity. “So make no mistake, Adora. If you think the Horde is your enemy, well--” 

Then Catra was leaning forward, lips brushing her ear. “What do you think that makes me, _sweetheart_?” 

Catra went to pull back, but Adora lifted a hand to cup her face before she could pull away completely. She touched Catra as gingerly as one would handle a porcelain doll: as if the slightest pressure might shatter her into a thousand pieces.

Adora knew she was starting to lose her hold on reality. Why else would she look into Catra’s eyes, burning with hatred, and say, “You are not the Horde, my love.” 

Catra recoiled from Adora as if she had burned her, shooting to her feet and stumbling away. Without Catra supporting her, Adora pitched forward onto her hands and knees. 

Catra had scrambled several paces away, face carefully turned away so that Adora couldn’t read her expression. 

She whirled around, eyes blazing. _“Oh but I am._ The world is just so black and white to you, isn’t it Adora? You truly believe that you’re good, and the princesses are good and the Horde is bad. Well, think about it. Who grew up in the Horde? Who spent their life training under the Horde? Fighting for the Horde? A couple years ago, you would have been willing to die for the Horde. By that logic, doesn’t that make you the bad guy?”

Adora slumped to her side, doing her best to support her weight with one arm. “I admit I’ve made mistakes--”

“Oh sure, but you’ve changed,” Catra shot back, her voice all but a vindictive hiss. “You’ve seen the light. Everything is fine and dandy now because Adora fights for the princesses. You’ve earned your hero badge. You can sleep easily at night knowing that you, _Adora_ \--” Catra fell into a mock bow. “--Are on the side of good.” 

“And of course, you’re good. You’re _Shera_. You can grow an extra three feet, and your hair magically becomes long and shiny when you yell a weird thing about grey skulls.” Catra slowly paced around Adora, like a predator circling her prey. “But that’s not all, is it? Ultimately, what is Shera?” Adora didn’t like the way Catra’s tone had turned cold, an unsettling calm falling over her like Adora had already fallen into her trap, and Catra was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Catra, _please_. I’m still Adora. Just because I’m helping the princesses now, that doesn’t mean--”

Catra scoffed. “Helping the princesses? Please. They’re using you, Adora. You’re just a weapon to them. That’s all you’ve ever been. The only difference now is that instead of being a weapon for the Horde, you’re a weapon for the princesses.” 

“No, you’re wrong. Light Hope said--”

“Oh, yes Light Hope. How could I forget? Little Miss Robot from another planet who knows exactly how you can ‘save the world.’ That’s not suspicious at all.”

“She’s…. I can trust her, I’m sure of it--” 

“You’re just as gullible as you’ve always been, Adora.” Catra's face twisted into a sneer. “You trust an AI, who you’ve known hardly a year, over someone that you’ve known your entire life.”

When Adora didn’t respond, Catra just shook her head and fell back a step, as if Adora’s presence was making her physically ill. 

“You know, I’ve finally figured it out.” Catra sounded different now. Quieter. “It took me awhile, but I’ve finally figured out what it takes to earn your love. It doesn’t matter how long someone has been by your side. It doesn’t matter how much they supported you. Fuck, it doesn’t even matter how much they loved you back. All that matters is that you’re with someone who makes you feel like you have a purpose.”

“The Horde was fine for awhile. Until you got bored of us." Catra paced in front of Adora, the blade of the knife tapping against her palm. "Being number one is fun and all, but why be a number one cadet when you could be Shera? Practically a god in the eyes of the princesses?” She stopped and pointed the knife inches away from Adora’s forehead. “Face it, You left because you found a new, more exciting cause to believe in. And I’m sure when that well dries up, you’ll find yourself another one.”

“No! You’re wrong.” Adora cried out, the shake in her voice only fueling Catra further.

“And you’re so convinced, down to your very core, that the Horde is evil. What about Lonnie and Rogelio? What about Kyle? They’re not children, Adora. They know the difference between right and wrong. They have the ability to make their own choices, and they chose to stay with the Horde.”

“We’re fighting a war, Adora. When it comes down to it, do you think you could kill them?"

Silence hung heavy in the air. Catra felt another question burning like acid on her tongue. She didn’t want to know the answer, but it was already slipping out anyway, the words grating like knives down her throat. 

“And what about me? Could you kill me?”

Catra waited several long, aching moments, but Adora didn’t answer. “You’re awfully quiet. What, cat got your tongue?” Catra looked down and saw that Adora had fallen over onto her side. Half of her ponytail had fallen into her face, but Adora made no move to fix it. 

“Oh I’m sorry, was I boring you?” When she still didn’t respond, Catra crouched down and poked her in the face with the hilt of the knife. “Hey, Adora. Wake up. Come on, Adora.” Catra brushed the hair out of her face. Adora was out cold. 

“Of course you pass out when I’m in the middle of calling you out on your bullshit. Figures.” Despite the harsh words, Catra gently rolled Adora over onto her back. She nudged an arm under Adora’s shoulders and behind her knees before lifting her off the ground. 

As soon as she had picked Adora up, Catra immediately almost dropped her. Something was making it hard for Catra to keep her grip on Adora’s shoulders. Something slick.

“What the--” Catra stumbled, but managed to catch Adora before she actually dropped her. Catra’s gaze honed in on the spot where Adora had been lying moments before. There was a concerningly large puddle. A puddle that appeared as black as the midnight sky.

“Wha-- What the hell?” Catra looked down at Adora, and noticed how wet her dark shirt had become. Was that... Catra fell to her knees, cradling Adora in her lap. 

“What the fuck, Adora?” Catra’s felt her heart racing as she scanned Adora’s body up and down, noticing how her right side seemed relatively more wet than the rest of her. Her eyes locked on something shiny. Something protruding from Adora’s side. 

“What the fuck, Adora! You’ve been bleeding out this whole time, and you didn’t think to tell someone!” Catra yelled at Adora’s unconscious body. “Fucking shit! Fuck!” Catra noticed how ghostly pale Adora was. How the sweat had created a sickly sheen over her skin. Catra had the sudden urge to press her hand to Adora’s forehead. She did, and her hand was met with skin that felt like fire. How had Catra not noticed that earlier?

“You have a fever too? Goddamn it, Adora! If you die I swear to god I’m going to fucking murder you!”

“Scorpia!” Catra said, speaking into the device at her ear. 

“Yes, Catra?” Scorpia’s voice crackled over the intercom. 

“I need a medic. Now!”

***

When Adora woke up, she didn’t realize it right away. It still felt like she was in a dream. Her head was groggy, and it felt like the world was spinning beneath her. She tried to figure out where she was and what was happening, but everytime a thought started to rise to the surface of her mind, it sunk back down like it was lodged in mud.

The world was dark. Adora vaguely realized that was probably because her eyes were shut. She should probably open them. Should figure out how to get off whatever machine was making her spin around and around and around. 

But her eyes felt like they were sealed shut with the strongest glue in the world. It took all her energy to force them open just a crack. She saw stars. They were moving. Adora’s subconscious knew that stars shouldn’t be moving, but she didn’t make the rules. If she made the rules, life would be so much easier. She wouldn’t change the rules at the drop of hat without any warning, and people would say what they mean, and everything would be black and white. Everyone would have solid morals and logical motives and people would actually listen to each other and compromise their own selfish desires for the greater good. If Adora made the rules, there would be no war, no pain, no sticky grey areas. 

It was funny though. No matter how many times Adora repainted the black and white in her mind -- separated the world into its rightful categories --the two sides always found a way to bleed together again. 

She was… Getting off track. Adora knew there was a more pressing matter at hand. Something to do with the dull ache in her side and the pressure on her back and the shadow in the corner of her eye and _if the world could stop spinning for two damn seconds, that would be great thanks._

“Wow, no ‘thank you for saving my life, Catra?’”

_Catra_. Forest, fever, explosion, angry, dark. _Scared_. Her mind tumbled out words like some kind of morbid word association game. Fragmented memories of that night swirled around in her brain, bumping and blurring in a non-chronological mess, until the pieces started to click into place. She remembered leaving the palace, wandering through the forest, sneaking into the Horde camp, and _fire_ \-- so much fire. It burned in her eyes and her stomach. In her words and her heart. It hurt _so badly_. Then, like magic, it had stopped hurting altogether. In fact, Adora had trouble feeling anything at all after that. 

“Catra?” Adora tried to stand up, but it was difficult to orient herself when the sky was in the wrong place. 

Then it clicked. “Put me down, Catra.” The forcefulness of her tone contradicted the weakness Adora felt. 

“Oh, believe me, I would if I didn’t think you would topple over the second I did,” Catra said, her voice surprisingly calm. It was a rigid calm though. Everything about Catra at the moment seemed a little too rigid -- the clinical way she held Adora’s body, the mechanical way she weaved through the trees, the carefully neutral expression on her face. 

Adora angled her head to try and make out her surroundings. This proved a difficult task to complete while being carried bridal style, but it didn’t matter anyway. There was just an endless sea of trees in every direction. “Wh-where are we going?” Adora had assumed Catra would have ended her by now, or at least put her on the first boat to beast island. 

Catra slowed to a halt, but she didn’t meet Adora’s gaze. “You’re a fucking idiot you know that?” It wasn’t an accusation. Just a matter-of-fact statement. “You’re the biggest fucking idiot I’ve ever known in my entire life.”

There was something almost fond in the way Catra spoke and it made Adora’s stomach twist. “Really? Huh, I would have thought I ranked above Kyle at least.”

Catra’s lip quirked and then she did look at Adora -- actually looked at her like she used to when Adora said something ridiculous. Adora’s mind flashed back to a time when Catra used to offer those small smiles and fond glances freely in Adora’s presence. Then the smile vanished and the moment was over. Catra shook her head. “Uh-huh. No. You do not get to joke about this. Not when you go off by yourself, in the middle of the night -- with a _fever_ might I add -- and then you conveniently forget to mention that _you have a piece of shrapnel embedded in your_ \--”

Catra made a strangled sound and closed her eyes, sighing deeply. When she opened them again, she carefully didn’t look at Adora. She just offered two curtly spoken words. “Brace yourself.”

They were airborne. Adora winced, expecting the impact that was sure to come. It never did. Catra just lightly landed on a tree branch before leaping effortlessly to the next one.

Despite the soft landing, Adora groaned. 

“Adora?” Catra could hear the panic creeping into her voice. “Shit, Adora?” Catra saw that she had closed her eyes, her pale face starting to take on an ashen hue. She looked like a living corpse. 

“Damnit, Scorpia! You said she was fine for transport.” 

Catra winced at the static that crackled over the intercom before Scorpia’s voice chimed in. “She is. Her vitals looked stable - well, as stable as someone’s vitals can be when burning with fever and bleeding out.” 

“Scorpia!” 

“Don’t worry! I stopped the bleeding. She’ll be fine.”

Catra glanced down at Adora and took in how morbidly still she was, the only movement being the shallow rise and fall of her chest. She felt her own heartbeat spike. “Yeah well, she doesn’t look fine to me.”

"Hmm, does she appear to be in pain?" Adora groaned right on cue.

"Does she look like she’s in-- Why the fuck do you think I called you in the first-- Oh, never mind. You’re no help.”

“Catra, I’m sorry! Noooooo waaaaaait Catraaaaa don’t hang up!” Catra hung up.

“Adora? Adora, can you hear me? Catra shook Adora hard, but Adora’s head just fell limply to one side. 

Catra was about to start shaking her again, but then, Adora moaned. “Ugh… Catra?”

Catra didn’t realize how tense she had been until she felt all her muscles relax at the sound of Adora’s voice. “Oh thank god, you’re awake.” Catra immediately flushed, and cleared her throat. “I mean… ‘Was just wondering if you were dead or not. It would be a waste of my time if I was lugging around a corpse.” 

Adora didn’t seem hurt by Catra’s words. Instead, something almost playful flashed in her eyes. “Not dead yet, but who knows,” she slurred. “This bumpy ride might do the trick.” 

Catra barked out a laugh. The familiar banter caused a light feeling to blossom in her chest, something so nostalgic and familiar. It hurt. “I will drop you if you don’t shut up.”

“Yes, sir.” Adora tried to salute, but she accidentally hit herself in the face instead.

The feeling in her chest fluttered again, and then it tightened. “Even when half dead, you’re still unbearable." Catra muttered. "Figures.” 

“Hey thats…" Adora squinted. "This’s Brightmoon... Am I dreaming again, Catra?

“I wish.” 

“But--why are we here? I was expecting...” Adora’s breathing started to quicken. “This isn’t real, is it? I’m--”

“Shh, calm down,” Catra said softly. "This isn’t a dream, ok? I promise.” Catra hated the way her voice betrayed her. “But don’t get any ideas. This isn’t over. As soon as you’re not delirious, I’ll be back to finish this.” 

“But why? You could get rid of Shera.” Adora spoke slowly, words thick with confusion. “You--you could weaken the princesses. Why would you--”

“Fuck the princesses. I don’t give a shit about the princesses. This has never been about them.”

“It… hasn’t?”

“...You’ve always been so dense, Adora. Always.”

“Catra, I don’t understand.”

Catra groaned. “You’re _not_ allowed to die yet, Adora. Understand? You’re not allowed to die until I beat you. _Me_. Not some stupid illness. Not blood loss. Not a cheap fight where you pass out halfway through. You’re not allowed to die until I’ve actually won. And when I win -- and believe me, I will -- you will be fucking awake and coherent. Got it?”

“Catra. Thank you.”

“You shouldn’t thank me,” Catra said, her tone darkening. “As soon as you’re better, I’m coming back to destroy you.” 

A thick silence fell over them. Catra suddenly seemed very focused on the task of leaping from tree to tree. 

“...Hey Catra?”

“What do you want?”

“Remember when we used to play hide and seek?” Adora glanced at Catra hopefully, but the other girl remained silent.

“Well I mean -- sorry that was vague -- I mean that one time after Kyle accidentally set off the alarms? Everyone evacuated, and we had the whole base to ourselves.” Adora smiled wistfully. 

Catra sighed. “No, I don’t remember that, Adora. That was forever ago.”

Adora felt her smile fade. “Oh. Well you had hidden in the training room. But I didn’t find you in time. I guess the others had figured out it was a false alarm and the next class had started. The advanced class. I was wandering around, so frustrated that I couldn’t find you. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I see some commotion through the viewing window in the training room, and I just see” Adora laughs, but it almost immediately turned into a wet cough. She cleared her throat. “I--I just see you, in the training room, totally destroying the advanced class. And all the cadets are looking around like ‘who the hell even is this person.’ And then when you’re the last one standing, the instructor doesn’t even bother to reprimand you for being where you’re not supposed to because this kid just took out her entire class, single handedly. And then -- I’ll never forget -- you walk out of the room, totally unphased, like kicking their asses is something you do every day. And then you see me standing there and you say--”

“What a bunch of amateurs.” Catra whispered. She chuckled. “And you of course had to burst into tears. One of them had managed to land a hit. Just the one, but it had already started to bruise.”

“Then I said, ‘Don’t go fighting on your own, Catra. Wait for me. Wait for me to have your back’,” Adora finished for her. 

Catra’s smile lingered for just a moment longer, and then it vanished. “You were too slow. I couldn’t wait around forever.”

Catra heard Adora’s breath catch. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t there. I’m so sorry.”

The world went blurry. Catra blinked hot wetness from her eyes. Fuck Adora making her cry like this. Unable to see properly, Catra stumbled on the next branch and lost her balance. 

Then, they were freefalling.

Catra tightly hugged Adora’s body to her own and, relying on instinct alone, contorted midair so that she could act as a barrier between Adora and the ground. The plan mostly worked. Catra’s back bore the brunt of the impact as they collided into what felt like brick, but what was most likely dirt. 

It hurt, but Catra had survived worse. Recovering quickly, Catra rolled them both over so that she could deposit Adora gently on the forest floor.

As soon as she had checked Adora’s pulse and found one -- faint but there -- Catra recoiled from Adora’s limp body. She felt her body shaking, but she knew it wasn’t from the fall.

“You always have to say just the wrong thing, don’t you, Adora?”

There was no response. 

“I hate you, Adora.” She waited, but still, there was just silence. “I hate you so fucking much. I hate your stupid face and your stupid smile and how you’re always -- always -- so oblivious.” The wetness in her eyes was back, turning Adora’s body into a fuzzy blur. It made her look so far away. “ _And god,_ with every breath I take, I hate you even more.” 

She sucked in a breath, but it didn’t relieve the tightness in her chest. “And it _hurts_. I hate you so much it hurts to breathe and it hurts to eat and it hurts to think and I can’t--"

The tears were falling freely now. Catra hugged her knees to chest, and wrapped her tail in a protective circle around herself. “I hate you with every piece of me. With everything that I am. With every beat of my fucked up heart. I hate you and I hate you and _I hate you_ like it’s the only thing I’ve ever felt and the only thing I’ll ever feel for the rest of my life.”

“And it’s like I’m drowning in it. _I’m drowning_ , Adora.”

“I’m drowning and no matter which way I turn I just seem to spin deeper and deeper into this black pit. And I’m trying to find my way out. _I’m trying_ but it’s like the harder I try, the more lost I get. Everything is so twisted now, but I can’t see and I have to hold onto something and it’s the only thing there. In the blackness and the pain, this all consuming hatred -- it’s the only thing there, so I have to grab it. I have to because there’s nothing else and I’m choking and up is down and left is right and nothing makes sense anymore. And I thought hatred was fire, but it’s not -- it’s dark and it’s lonely and it’s cold. It’s so cold. And I just want it to stop.”

_"I just want everything to stop._ ”

Her hands stung. Catra looked down. There were rows of scratch marks on the ground, the lines all tracing back to her bleeding nails deeply embedded in the dirt. 

Adora’s body was still there. She could see her in the distance -- just a fuzzy outline of a person -- but it was still too much. Catra ripped her claws from the ground and fell back onto her hands. She tried to scramble away, but she only got so far before her back hit the hard trunk of a tree. She rocked on her heels and covered her ears, trying to muffle the throbbing sound that pounded and pounded and _pounded_ against her eardrums. Her heart banged against her ribcage in time with the morbid beat. _ba-bum ba-bum ba-bUM ba-bUM BA-BUM BA-BUM BA-BUM_. She couldn’t hear her own breathing over the sound. She couldn’t hear anything but the deafening beat that pounded louder and louder with every moment. 

Catra crumpled forward onto her elbows with a whimper and clutched desperately at her hair -- pulling and pulling and _pulling_. _BA-BUM BA-BUM BA-BUM BA-BUM_. She pulled harder. _BA-BUM BA-BUM BA-BUM_. She pulled and pulled -- _ba-bum ba-bum_ \-- grounding herself in the sting of her scalp and the rawness of her nails. 

_Ba-bum ba-bum..._ _ba-bum ba-bum..._ _ba-bum ba-bum._ Catra could hear again. Her breathing sounded labored and she put all her energy into a new, slower rhythm. _In and out. In and out. In and out._

Finally, she stood, eyes dry, and made her way back to the body still lying motionless on the ground.

She stared down at Adora, a wonderful sense of calm spreading throughout her entire body and filling her with a blissful warmth. She breathed in, her lungs easily expanding for the first time that entire night. “It _will_ stop. I know it will. It will stop when I finally show you who the victor is.” She stepped closer to Adora. “It will stop when you finally see that you chose _wrong_.” She took another step. “You chose the losing side, Adora. The winning side was here all along, and you left -- like a fucking idiot -- you left. You left me.” She crouched down, her eyes narrowing to thin slits. “And because of that, you’re going to lose.” 

She picked Adora up. The tips of Catra’s claws rested against Adora’s thigh and bicep, but she didn’t break the skin. “I’ll make sure of it.”

***

The world was spinning and Adora wasn’t surprised. In the recesses of her mind, she wondered why that was. She couldn’t remember when the sensation of falling had become familiar to her, but it was. 

The world was spinning, but Catra was perfectly still. Adora reached out. She had to hold on to something or she would just keep falling forever. She reached out desperately, but flinched away when her hand touched something cold and hard. 

She blinked, her blurry vision catching the outline of a force captain badge. Shadow Weaver would be furious. Catra had already gotten in trouble once for stealing a badge. Adora shivered.

“C-catra, I’m-- I’m so cold.”

“No, you’re not.” Adora wanted to cry. Catra used to hold her when she was cold. She used to...

An icy hand touched her cheek, and Adora gasped. Catra started to pull her hand away, but Adora grabbed it before it could. Her skin was cold, but it felt so good against Adora’s sweaty skin. She squirmed, suddenly entirely too warm. 

“God, you’re burning up. Hold on, Adora, we’re almost there.” Oh good, they were almost at the dormitories. Adora wanted nothing more than to lay down on their bed and rest her eyes. Just for a little while, until it was time for training.

Her back hit a soft mattress. Adora whined -- it was too soft. It felt wrong. Why did it feel wrong?

Catra started to pull away after she set Adora down. Why did she keep doing that? Adora tried to grab Catra’s hand again, but she couldn’t get a proper grip. Her muscles felt like jelly. 

Catra started walking away, and Adora’s felt her heart racing in her chest. “Catra!” She called out. 

Catra stopped. “Stay with me?” Adora asked, her voice small and hopeful. “Just for a little while?”

“Sorry, Adora.” Catra sounded so much older. So sad. Adora didn’t like it. “I need to get you some help.”

“Don’t want help. Just want you.”

A laugh. Adora’s heart rate calmed. That sounded more like Catra.

“You won’t for long. Not when you remember.”

Remember? Adora remembered everything. She remembered waking up and seeing Catra, sitting at the foot of the bed. Catra always woke with the sun. Then, they went downstairs for breakfast. It must have been a special occasion -- the Horde never gave them tea. Then… Then, they trained in the forest. Adora got hurt. Must have messed up again. Catra was mad. She didn’t mean to. She didn’t mean to ruin everything. 

“Sorry, Catra,” she whispered. “Please, don’t leave me.”

Something warm pressed against her side. She curled towards it, and was rewarded with a hand stroking her hair. She sighed happily. 

_And what about me? Could you kill me?_

Adora stiffened. “Why would you ask me that, Catra?” Her voice shook. “How could you possibly think--”

Catra stilled. 

“I wouldn’t. I would _never_.” Hot tears started falling down her cheeks. “You don’t deserve to die, Catra.”

Catra was silent for a long time. “That’s too bad, you know.” Adora felt a hand brush her cheek, wiping away a tear. “That’s what always happens to the bad guys. In the stories.” 

Catra’s hand lingered for a moment longer before pulling away. 

Adora whimpered. “Catra… Catra, where are you going?”

“Where I belong.” 

Adora startled at the sound of a loud crash. She heard doors opening. The urgent murmuring of voices. 

“Catra, what’s happening?” She sat up just long enough to see a broken window and a shadowy figure disappearing beyond the ledge before she collapsed back onto the bed. 

The voices rose. They were getting closer.

"Did you hear that?"

“Where’s Adora?” Adora’s knew that voice, but it didn’t sound like Lonnie or the others... Adora was just tired, that’s all. So, so tired. She just needed to rest. Then, everything would make sense again.

The spinning was back. This time, Adora let herself fall. 

***

When Adora woke up next, everything was back to normal. 

Catra was smirking up at her, arms circling Adora’s waist. It wasn’t a gentle touch -- that wasn’t Catra. Catra’s touch was just like everything else about her. Intense. Powerful. Hands that yanked. Lips that bruised. Nails that pressed marks into her skin. 

Catra searched Adora's face, tilting her head. “What’s wrong?” 

Adora held back a sob. She fell into the embrace, burying her face in Catra’s hair. “Don’t do that to me ever again. Promise me, Catra.”

Catra’s voice filled with alarm. “Do what? What did I do? Adora?”

“Adora!” Adora blinked, but Catra had disappeared. Something tapped her shoulder, and she whirled around. 

There was nothing there. “Catra? Catra!!!” 

“Woah, calm down, Adora.” Catra lowered herself from the rafter she had been perched on. “Hey, it’s ok. I’m right here.”

Catra reached towards her, but Adora batted her hand away. “No, it’s not ok! Why do you keep leaving?” 

“Leaving? We were playing a prank on the older kids. I was just about to pull you up when you freaked out.”

“Oh.” Adora took a deep breath. “Right. Sorry, I must have forgotten.”

“Forgotten what?” Catra knelt down and plucked something from the grass. A dandelion. “Here, Adora. Make a wish.” 

Adora went to take the flower but faltered. “I-- I don’t think I believe in wishes, Catra.”

Catra chuckled. “And here I thought I was the pessimistic one.” She closed her eyes and blew on the flower, sending a cloud of soft cotton swirling through the air.

Adora was entranced by the sight. Catra looked so peaceful kneeling in the grass, surrounded by wildflowers. 

Catra looked at her, eyes narrowing playfully. Then, she took off sprinting down the hill. 

“Wait! Catra!” Adora started running after her, but she didn’t know where she was. It was so dark, and there were shadows everywhere. She thought they were trees at first, but the branches turned into twisting hands, reaching towards her. Drawing closer and closer, until their claws were inches away from her throat. 

Adora fell to her knees and screamed. 

“Adora, what’s gotten into you?” Catra slotted a finger under her chin, and tilted her head up. “You worry too much, you know that?” She smiled, then offered Adora her hand. “Come on, let’s go home.”

Adora didn’t take it. “I told you to wait for me. Why didn’t you wait?” 

Catra’s face darkened. “Why didn’t you?” 

“I-- I don’t know.” 

“Don’t know what?” Catra was leaning against their railing, looking out at the setting sun. The light washed the Horde base with a soft pink glow, the light reflecting off the buildings and making the rusted metal appear shiny and new. 

“Come here, Adora.” Catra didn’t turn to look at her when she spoke. She just continued staring off into the horizon, gaze searching. 

Adora joined her, sidling up to the railing and bumping Catra’s shoulder with her own. Catra’s tail flicked her ear. 

“Hey!” Adora stuck her tongue out at Catra, but the other girl still wasn’t looking at her. She was scanning the skyline, where the dark stretch of the whispering woods disappeared into the burnt orange sky. 

“What are you looking for?”

Catra didn’t seem to hear her. She just started muttering to herself. “Where is it? Why can’t I find it? It has to be somewhere, _it has to b_ e...”

“Catra.” Adora cupped Catra’s chin and gently pulled her gaze away from the disappearing sun. Catra let herself be moved, choosing to release her grip on the railing and instead latch onto the front of Adora’s shirt. “I can’t find it, Adora. I can’t find it. I’ve been looking and looking and looking but it’s not there. No matter how hard I look, it’s not there. It’s never there.”

“Shhh.” Adora rubbed soothing circles on Catra’s back, but Catra’s muscles remained tensed and rigid beneath her hands. “What are you looking for?” She asked again.

Catra’s eyes were desperate and pleading. “The end. I can’t find it. It’s not there.” Her hands slowly slipped from the fabric of Adora’s shirt and curled into fists at her sides. “This will never end, will it?” 

Adora turned to look at the sunset, but the sun had already slipped beneath the skyline. Only a few, thin rays of light were left, threatening to be swallowed by the encroaching dusk. 

Adora turned back to Catra, but she was gone. She had vanished along with the last ray of light, enveloping Adora’s world in a shroud of darkness. 

***

When Adora opened her eyes, the world was still dark. Except this time, she had the sobering weight of reality to tell her that this darkness was real. She sat up, wincing at the sharp pain that flared in her abdomen. Lifting the edge of her shirt, Adora saw that someone had bandaged her midsection -- very recently. There wasn’t any blood staining the white cloth. 

The bandages were pretty much the only indication that Adora had left Brightmoon at all. She was in her room, dressed in her pajamas. The pounding in her head and the disorienting dizziness were gone. The fever was gone. The fire in her throat was gone. 

Adora sucked in a deep breath and closed her eyes, relishing the blissful feeling of wellness. 

When she opened them again, she turned to the window -- more specifically, the dark drapes covering the window. Adora grabbed onto the bed post, and gently hoisted herself to her feet. She took an experimental step forward. When her body didn’t protest too much, she slowly trudged to the window and pulled the drapes aside. 

The morning sun was blinding. Adora had to blink a few times before she could make out the jagged edges of glass and the spidering cracks that branched like veins throughout what was left of the window pane. 

“You should be in bed.”

Adora startled, clutching at the drapes to keep herself from falling down. “Jesus Glimmer, way to scare me half to death.” 

“Gee, I wonder what that feels like,” Glimmer bit out, eyes hard. 

They both just stood there in silence, staring at each other. They stood there up until the moment Glimmer’s lip started to quiver and Adora’s expression broke into a smile. She opened her arms. “Come here, Glim.” 

Glimmer catapulted into her body, and Adora grunted as they both crashed into the wall in a frenzy of tears and laughter.

Adora wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that -- glued together, tears dampening their clothes and hair -- but she didn’t care. She held her best friend, and she let herself be held.

Glimmer was the one who finally broke the silence. She pulled away from Adora with a loud sniff, and fixed her with a glare. She started batting at Adora’s arm. “Don’t. You. EVER. Do. A. Crazy. Stunt. Like. That. Again. Or I swear to god, Adora! I. Will. Hunt. You. Down.”

“Hey, ow!” Adora laughed. “Easy, Glim. Recently impaled girl here.”

“Don’t even start with me, Miss run-off-to-fight-the-Horde-on-my-own-without-even-telling-my-friends! You’ll be lucky if I ever let you leave this room again.”

Adora chuckled and held up her hands in defeat. “Ok, but someone is gonna have to tell Swift Wind that our Random Adventure Wednesdays are cancelled.” Adora lowered her hands, and winced. She rubbed at the muscles in her shoulder.

“God, I feel like every muscle in my body is locked up.”

Glimmer’s face fell, and she started picking absently at a snag in the rug. “You were unconscious for two weeks, Adora. The doctors didn’t know if you were going to make it.” 

Adora stiffened. Two weeks? She thought it had just been a day or two.

“I’m sorry, Glimmer.” 

Glimmer shrugged, and kept poking at the rug. “I know you were just trying to do the right thing.” Her eyes blinked a little too fast. “But you were wrong, Adora. That wasn’t right. Trying to win a fight by yourself is never the right thing.”

_I’m sorry, Catra. I’m sorry I didn’t bring you with me that night._

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have gone off on my own,” Adora said, but Glimmer still wouldn't meet her eyes. She just kept picking away at the rug with increasingly more force. Adora gently grabbed Glimmer’s wrist, bringing her jerky movements to a halt. “I’ll bring you with me next time, Glim. I promise.” 

Glimmer finally looked up, searching Adora’s face. Whatever she found there made her break into a small smile. “You better.” 

Glimmer sighed heavily, and leaned against the wall next to Adora. “This doesn’t excuse you going off on your own, but whatever you did worked. The Horde evacuated Plumeria.” 

“What?!” 

Glimmer raised a brow. “So you didn’t drive them out?”

Adora shook her head. “No, I--I didn’t really do anything actually." Her brow furrowed. "I can’t believe Catra would just leave.”

“I don’t suppose this means she’s finally given up.”

“No,” Adora said immediately. “She’ll be back. Maybe not tomorrow. Or the next day. But she’ll be back.” Adora turned to look at the window where she had last seen Catra. She still wasn’t quite sure what had been a dream and what had been real. The events of that night were all fuzzy and fragmented in her mind. The only concrete evidence she had that it had even happened at all were a few bandages and a shattered window. There was nothing else to explain what Catra may or may not have said. To explain what Catra may or may not feel.

There was only one thing Adora knew with absolute certainty. “She’ll never give up. Not until one of us wins. Not until she sees this war through, all the way to the end.

Glimmer scoffed. “I can’t imagine Catra ever admitting defeat, can you? I think she would rather die than let the Horde lose.”

“No, she doesn’t care about that. She doesn’t care about the Horde or the princesses. She doesn’t care about sides or armies or land. All she cares about is seeing me lose.” 

“She’s insane.”

“No, she’s not,” Adora said. “She’s hurt. And she doesn’t realize that there are no winners in this fight. You don’t win a war. You fight and you die. Or you fight and you survive, but the fighting doesn’t stop. It never really stops. You have to fight yourself every day. You have to live with the choices you made every single day. Those choices that you can never take back, but you wish so badly that you could. Always imagining that if you had just… Then everything would be different.”

Adora looked back at the broken window. Her gaze traced the gossamer thin cracks that permeated the structure, threatening to shatter the whole thing at any moment.

“One day she’ll realize that. And when she does, I’ll be here, waiting. Until then, we fight. I’ll fight her for as long as she wants. For as long as I can stand it. We’ll fight each other, and we’ll wound each other, and in time we’ll heal. We’ll fight again and again and heal again and again until she realizes that the wounds heal faster when you’re not fighting. When she realizes that peace is healing. That love is healing. That I l--” 

“Adora?”

“That I’ll never stop fighting. Until the day I die. I’ll never stop fighting for her.”

~ ~ ~

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> ~ By the way, the title is a double entendre, depending on whether or not you add a comma. It could be I don't intend to lose, my love. Or I don't intend to lose my love.
> 
> ~ This was completely accidental.


End file.
